


Incorrect Sanders Sides Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: 21 Jump Street (TV Series) fusion, 3rd Rock from the Sun fusion, Bob's Burgers Season 05 fusion, Different Tags for Each Chapter, Fantastic Four fusion, Incorrect Quotes, Lucifer (TV Series) fusion, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23860456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: A series of incorrect quotes starring our favorite SidesIncluding, but not limited to...Ch 1: sarcastic and childish Officer Roman Prince, ex-ninja Officer Virgil Anx, cunning and capable Officer Patton Hart, and top of his class Officer Logan SharpCh 2: nightclub owner and Lord of Hell Virgil Anx, his protective older brother Logan, his sex payment therapist Dr. Janus Ceit, homicide detective Roman, and perky forensic scientist PattonCh 3: childlike high commander Patton Hart, his lieutenant brother Virgil, their impulsive brother Roman, Patton's intelligent son Thomas, and Patton's on-and-off professor boyfriend Logan SharpCh 4: invisible Logan, princely torch Roman, fantastic Patton, and Virgil the ThingCh 5: parents and burger shop owners Patton and Logan, and their dysfunctional kids Roman, Remus, and Virgil
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Sleep | Remy Sanders, Jon Cozart/Thomas Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1428805
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. Source: 21 Jump Street

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Universe - Undercover police officers
> 
> The TV series, NOT the movies

**Pilot [1.01 & 1.02] **

**Off. Logan Sharp:** This is Sanders Street Chapel, right?  
**Off. Roman Prince:** Only if you're Catholic. Virgil here thinks this is a Buddhist temple. Me? I think it's a synagogue. You know, my mom's Jewish, which only means I get to celebrate both guilt and hell.  
**Off. Virgil Anx:** Yeah, you see, his father used to be a priest, so don't play bingo with this guy. He's a killer.

* * *

**Roman:** You gotta turbocharge the hair or something, Logan. You look like [Richie Cunningham](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richie_Cunningham).

* * *

**Cpt. Thomas Sanders:** Breakfast?  
**Logan:** No, thanks. I'll grab an omelette later.  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Uh-uh. No, you won't. When was the last time you saw a teenager have a cup of black coffee and an omelet for breakfast? Uh-uh. From now on, it's potato chips, soda pop, French fries and pizza, man. It's the [Pepsi Generation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pepsi_Generation), kiddo! _[throws Logan a bag of chips]_  
**Logan:** _[fumbles with the chips]_ Don't call me "kiddo," okay?  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Hey, pard, I'm your boss. I'll call you anything I want. Have a seat, _kiddo._

* * *

**Cpt. Thomas:** Now we're about four weeks ahead of you here, Logan. So I'm going to have to rush you through some of the training.  
**Logan:** What kind of training?  
**Cpt. Thomas:** _Patton!_ Gonna teach you how to be a teenager again, kiddo. How does that grab you? I'm talking about the bad kind. The kind that gets into trouble. The kind you're going to have to be like so's they think you're one of them. Dig. _Hey, Patton! Wake up!_  
_[an attractive cardigan-wearing man enters the room]_  
**Off. Patton Hart:** Relax, relax, I'm up.  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Patton, Logan. Logan, Patton.  
**Logan:** (slow, nervous smile spreading across his face) Hi.  
_[Patton smiles flirtatiously but says nothing]_  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Patt, run this cat down to wardrobe and see if we can take some of the cop out of his presentation. And for God's sake, do something about the [Jack Kennedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_F._Kennedy) haircut too, will ya?  
_[Again, Patton smiles but says nothing]_  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Go with what Officer Patton tells you, Logan. Been real, bro! Stick with Patton here and hook us up with a little field training tonight. _[He gives Logan an[elaborate handshake](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/dap_greeting) which ends with Cpt. Thomas running his hand through his hair while Logan's hand is still stuck out]_ Later!  
_[Cpt. Thomas leaves the room, whistling]_  
**Logan:** (to Patton) Are you kidding me?  
**Patton:** Oh, so Tom's a little bit of a hang-on hippie. Big deal! 'Cause when it comes to going undercover, the dude is the best. _[sticking out hand]_ I'm Patton Hart.  
_[Logan tries to imitate the same handshake Cpt. Thomas just did]_  
**Patton:** Uh, that's okay, honey. We don't do that anymore. _[gives regular handshake while patting Logan's hand condescendingly]_  
**Logan:** Oh. _[holds out bag of chips]_ Chip?

* * *

_[Logan is arresting a man for selling him marijuana and putting a gun to his head, despite having been specifically told not to make a bust. He is reading the man his rights when a van pulls up]_  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Terrific! _Terrific!_ What the hell are you doing, Logan?!  
**Logan:** Making an arrest! Suspect threatened to kill me. _[pulls out filled Ziplock bag]_ But not until I made the purchase. Open and shut. Solicit of sale and we made the exchange. _[to the man on the ground]_ Didn't we, Dee? _Didn't we, Dee?!  
_**Cpt. Thomas:** Hey, save it. Save it, man. What the hell are you going to charge him with? Illegal sale of a pair of smelly socks?  
**Logan:** What are you talking about?  
**Cpt. Thomas:** What's this? _[pulls out a pair of socks from the Ziplock bag]_ What's this?! Panama brown? Huh? Hey, why don't you save 'em, pal? I like to wear the ones with the little turtles on the ankle pockets.  
_[hurls the socks into Logan's chest as police show up, complete with sirens and cars]_  
**Cpt. Thomas:** _He was burning you, pal!_ Huh?! Good work, Logan! Good work, Logan! Good work, man, good licks! You just used up a punk we've been watching for six months on an [ADW](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assault_with_a_deadly_weapon), which will be knocked down to brandishing by noon tomorrow! Even a boot like you should know that. _[to a uniformed officer]_ Take him in.  
**Logan:** Captain Thomas, look, I'm sorry. I-  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Hey, man, save it. And don't call me "Captain!"  
**Logan:** Look, I was just trying to do my job here!  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Trying to what? Trying to cowboy the deal is what! Make a big collar, be a real cop. Now, with you being a real cop, I gotta pull Roman out. Because every punk that's been hanging with Dee’ll be able to make him easier than [Elton John](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elton_John) in a hat shop!

* * *

_[Roman and Virgil are attempting to fix Patton' car, a beat-up lime green Roadster]_  
**Roman:** Okay, try that now.  
_[Patton attempts to start the car]_ Nothing!  
**Logan:** _(smirking)_ That's a nice car you got there, Ro.  
**Roman:** It's not mine. It's Patton's.  
**Logan:** _[to Patton, gobsmacked]_ Really?  
**Patton:** Mmm-hmm.  
**Logan:** Really?  
**Roman:** Yup. Try it again.  
_[car grinds without starting]_  
**Logan:** This is your car?  
**Patton:** What's left of it, yeah.  
**Logan** : _Really?_  
**Patton:** Yeah, really! _(in a stereotypical[jive](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/African_American_Vernacular_English) accent)_ See, they were just all out of those purple Caddys - you know, with the mud flaps, and the fur around the mirror, knowwhatimsayin'?

* * *

**Virgil:** I learned how to speak English by watching _Dragnet_ in reruns, and I used to think a stakeout was what you did to get a sirloin to go. Now don't ask me what I thought "assume the position" meant.

**The Worst Night of Your Life [1.06]**

**Logan:** Another slamerino for the Kingpins!

* * *

_[The officers are going undercover at a high school prom. Cpt. Thomas is observing the suits on Virgil, Roman and Logan]_  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Well, well, well. Farrrrrr out. Looks like we got an emo Elvis Presley, a Disney pimp, and the butler.  
**Logan:** With the budget we got, you're lucky we could afford to rent the pants.  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Maybe you should go without the pants. Tell 'em you're a poor butler. _[stands up, shouting]_ Patton Morality! If you don't get that dress on soon boy, I'm gonna come up there and staple it on! _[back to the men]_ I got the fire department on standby. But the key word here, _amigos,_ is prevention. So if and when you spot Miss Wacko, whoever, just waltz her right out of the place. Dig?  
**Virgil:** Well, that oughta be easy. I mean, we don't even know who we're looking for.  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Well, leave it to your buddy there, [Iceberg Slim](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iceberg_Slim). I understand he's got great instincts when it comes to the ladies. Right, Mr. Roman?  
_[Roman gives a self-deprecating smile]_  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Patton will be your date, Logan. Lucky Miss Kenny gets Presley, and Casanova, you _know_ who you're with.  
**Roman:** The one with the great personality. _[to Logan]_ Trade you for Patton.  
**Cpt. Thomas:** Bud, I don't know if I'd trust you fucking my great-grandmother.

* * *

**Patton:** You know, I didn't think it was possible, but this prom was even worse than the one with Remy Puritani throwing up in the back seat of his father's Cadillac.

**Mean Streets and Pastel Houses [1.13]**

**Roman:** Studs and leather, here I come. KKK - awesome band.  
**Logan:** Band?  
**Roman:** KKK - Klean Kut Kids. It's a band. It's a gang. It's a floor wax. You gotta keep up with the popular culture, Logan.

* * *

**Logan:** I see I'm going to have to put this into terms you can understand. That's my stepbrother Rolas. [ _nods to Roman undercover_ ] He's kinda lame, but it's not his fault. You kick his tail - he tells my stepdad - my stepdad kicks my tail. Then I'm going to have to come back here and kick your tail. So, why don't you leave him out of this, and I'll just kick your tail right now?


	2. Source: Lucifer

**Pilot**

**Traffic Cop** : You know why I pulled you over?

 **Virgil Anx** : Well, obviously you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit. It's okay, I understand. It's…I…I like to punish people too. Or, at least I used to.

* * *

**Logan** : Your return to the underworld has been requested.

 **Virgil** : Oh, right. Okay. Let me just, uh…check my calendar. Yeah, here it is. Uh…the 7th of Never through to the 15th of Ain't Gonna Happen. How's that work for you guys? Ah, look…remind Dad that I quit Hell because I was sick and tired of playing a part in His play.

 **Logan** : I'm gonna warn you against disrespecting our Father, Virgil.

 **Virgil** : Yeah, well, our Father's been disrespecting me since the beginning of time, so pot-kettle, don't you think?

 **Logan** : You…are a mockery of everything divine.

 **Virgil** : Thank you.

* * *

**Roman Prince** : Why don't you tell me something? How did she end up dying in a hailstorm of bullets and you get away without a scratch? I think that's interesting, don't you?

 **Virgil** : The benefits of immortality.

 **Roman** : Immortality? Mm. Of course. Uh…you spell that with one or two "m"s? I always forget.

* * *

**2Vile** : You have a problem with black people?

 **Virgil** : No, not in the slightest. I just hate your music. And when I say your music, I mean _your_ music, not the music made by other black people. Without the blues, there would be no Devil's music whatsoever. There are of course many giants in the field. Just not you. Am I being clear?

* * *

**Val** : My name's Valerie Torres-Prince but everybody calls me Valerie.

 **Virgil** : That's a hooker's name.

 **Val** : What's a hooker?

 **Virgil** : Ask your father.

**Virgil, Stay. Good Devil**

**Roman** : So, our only evidence is currently in your lungs?

 **Virgil** : _[amused]_ Aah, you really wanted to say "up in smoke" then, didn't you?

 **Roman** : _[not amused]_ No. No, I most definitely did not.

* * *

**Dr. Janus Ceit** : So, you're the Devil?

 **Virgil** : Yes. Yes. Well, Satan, Beelzebub, Old Scratch. Actually, I like that one in particular. But, uh, those were the old me. These days, you just have plain old Virgil.

 **Janus** : And you've left Hell behind to take a vacation in Gainesville, Florida?

 **Virgil** : Well, where else would I go?

* * *

**Virgil** : What makes you different?

 **Roman** : I guess we both have our mysteries.

 **Virgil** : Ah. Well, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

* * *

**Janus** : Sometimes it's easier to make intimate issues about something bigger than yourself.

 **Virgil** : Well, there are few things bigger than myself.

 **Janus** : I'm well aware.

* * *

**Virgil** : I think you like me.

 **Roman** : What part of the look on my face gives you that impression?

**Manly Whatnots**

**Roman** : Let me make myself perfectly clear. I will never, ever, ever sleep with you. Never. Okay? Got it?

 **Virgil** : Playing hard to get. I like it.

 **Roman** : When Hell freezes over, Virgil.

 **Virgil** : I can arrange that, actually.

* * *

**Roman** : Where did you get this dress anyhow?

 **Virgil** : Oh, it was left behind by one of my 'overnight guests'.

 **Roman** : What was he wearing when he left?

 **Virgil** : A smile.

 **Roman** : Mm. if I get an [STD](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/STD) from this thing, I'm going to kill you.

**Sin-Eater**

_[A murder victim has been found burned to death, with the fire started at his genitals.]_

**Virgil** : Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.

 **Roman** : Virgil.

 **Patton Hart** : I mean, I've heard of hot pants, but this really brings new meaning to the term "fire crotch," doesn't it?

 **Roman** : _Virgil. Patton!_

 **Virgil** : Wait. I have more. "Smokey Bobinson". "Weekend at Burnie's".

 **Logan** : His burning bush?

 **Virgil** : Oh, very good! That was actually me, by the way, so don't tell anyone.

* * *

**Roman** : _[to Virgil]_ Do _not_ touch the charred crotch!... is a sentence I never thought I'd say out loud.

**They're Back, Aren't They?**

**Joan S** : You must be Virgil.

 **Virgil** : Anx. _[offers a hand]_ Pleasure.

 **Joan** : There was an investigation last year. We interviewed, what was it, ninety-two of your sexual partners? I think I'll refrain from physical contact if you don't mind. _[Virgil chuckles]_ You don't seem reckless. Narcissistic, hedonistic. That I see.

 **Virgil** : Well, thank you very much.

 **Joan** : Not a compliment. Your file's as long as my johnson.

 **Virgil** : Oh? Quick read, then?

 **Joan** : Hardly.

 **Virgil** : Well, I, for one, don't need a file to ascertain you haven't even had a _snog_ in ages, have you?

 **Joan** : Accurate.

* * *

**Logan** : So, what happened?

 **Virgil** : It was terrible, Brother. I was kidnapped.

 **Logan** : No, Verge. I meant Mom.

 **Virgil** : Oh. Well, didn't you get my text?

 **Logan** : What, you mean the string of nonsensical [emojis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emojis)? Fire, Sword, Doughnut, Spaceman, Clock, Dancing Lady, Flashlight, Thumbs Up. How am I supposed to know what that means?

 **Virgil** : _[deciphering]_ "I ignited the Flaming Sword, used it to cut a hole in space and time, Mum's light flooded through it, then it closed up behind her. All good."

**Vegas with Some Radish**

_[Trying to be discreet, Patton speaks to Virgil in[pig latin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pig_latin).]_

**Virgil** : Sorry, is that German? 'Cause if it is, it's absolutely awful. Trust me, I should know. [Hitler](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolph_Hitler) was a talker. Well, a screamer, actually.

* * *

**Virgil** : Mister Hart, you are an enigma wrapped in a hoodie under a jaunty ponytail.

* * *

_[Roman and Janus are secretly fooling around in Virgil's penthouse, getting progressively drunk.]_

**Roman** : _[plays random keys on the piano, mock-imitating Virgil's accent]_ "I'm Virgil Anx. I can play the piano and I'm a fancy emo man."

 **Janus** : Let's go take a peek at his sock drawer.

 **Roman** : _[mock outrage]_ But, Dr. Ceit, you're his therapist. Aren't there rules against that?

 **Janus** : Trust me. There's nothing I don't know about Virgil Anx.

 **Roman** : Except what's in his sock drawer.

* * *

**Virgil** : _[speaking to who he believes is a sleeping Roman]_ I'm not exactly sure what you're all doing here, but I imagine it's something to do with the fact that I wasn't. And the truth is... I went to Las Vegas. And even though it was for a very good reason, I didn't tell you because last time I went on a Vegas jaunt, there were some very unpleasant feelings involved. For both of us. And, well, I didn't want to dredge any of those up again. So, I bluffed. But I've come to realize that perhaps bluffing is the same as lying, and that's, as you know, something I never want to do. _[gently caresses Roman's back]_ Especially to you.

* * *

**Weaponizer**

**Roman** : He had a drug problem, right?

 **Virgil** : Well, only if you consider ingesting millions of dollars of cocaine a problem. I call it a Tuesday. But apparently, it's frowned upon.

* * *

**Virgil** : Remind me at some point to give you a refresher on the meaning of loyalty.

* * *

**Logan** : It's time that I face the truth, brother. I've fallen.

 **Virgil** : Well. Welcome to the club. Meetings are on Tuesdays.

* * *

**Virgil** : For the next day or so, I'm going to need you to be unpredictable. Whatever you normally do, just do the opposite.

 **Roman** : Too bad. I was totally going to have sex with you today.

 **Virgil** : Really? _[smiles, then realizes]_ ... Oh. Well _played_ , Detective.

* * *

**Logan** : You were gone for a really long time, mom. You might not know your children as well as you think you do.

 **Talyn** : You may be right. But, at least for now, I have you and Virgil. My brave boys. So, if I'm here on earth two more years or two hours, I will take every moment I can get.

**Trip to Stabby Town**

**Virgil** : I think I've broken my therapist. And now he's somewhere to the left of totally useless and to the right of babbling lunatic.

 **Roman** : Oh, so he's you in a skirt.

* * *

**Patton** : Come clean with me. Or I can't keep this a secret anymore.

 **Virgil** : You see, that's just it. The last person I came clean with became a tad untethered.

 **Patton** : Dude, I grew up in Detroit.

* * *

_[Janus is still processing the fact that Virgil has been telling him the truth about who he is]_

**Janus** : Oh, my God. I had sex with the Devil.

 **Virgil** : Many, many times. And you're welcome.

* * *

**Patton** : That's why great ideas come in the shower.

 **Virgil** : For me, it's usually other men.

* * *

**Patton** : Favors are about faith.

 **Virgil** : Ugh. Please don't ruin favors for me.

**Everything's Okay**

_[Roman is disturbingly calm upon his return home after learning the truth about Virgil.]_

**Virgil** : Detective,.. Are you okay with... me _?_

 **Roman** : Well, it's not like you haven't always told me the truth. You know? So... I think, deep down, I just... I always knew.

 **Virgil** : But how does it make you feel? Afraid? Terrified? Do you want to yell at me? Punch me in the face? Run away again?

 **Roman** : I... I think I just want to get back to work.

 **Virgil** : That's all?

 **Roman** : That's all. _[walks off]_

 **Virgil** : What the f-- _[Theme music plays]_

* * *

**Virgil** : _[staring right into Patton's eyes]_ I'm the Devil.

 **Roman** : _[growing concerned]_ Virgil, what are you doing?

 **Virgil** : Detective, it's time Mister Hart finally knew the truth. _[to Patton, still holding her eyes]_ I am the angel who led a rebellion against my Father, God. I was banished to Hell afterwards where I ruled as King over the souls of the damned.

 **Patton** : _[softly]_ Virgil, it all makes sense now.

**Patton** : You a believer? _[Logan nods]_ Well, then whatever it is you're going through, I'm sure it's all part of His plan. I mean, even the most pathetic, sad-sack powerless creatures serve a purpose. Like Leo here _[a piece of squirrel[roadkill](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roadkill)]_. A van may have cracked his nuts in the middle of the desert, but he's still valuable evidence. That's the thing. You never know when your rock-bottom pain and humiliation can end up helping others. I mean, [God works in mysterious ways](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/William_Cowper). So, you just gotta believe that when He crushes your nuts, He does it for a reason.

* * *

**Logan** : Virgil, I'm not angry with you that you somehow got your wings back, or even that you cut them off again. As foul as that may be. I'm angry with myself. Because somehow, I made you feel like you couldn't confide in me.

 **Virgil** : Well, comparing body parts is never good for the male ego, especially between brothers.

**Save Virgil**

**Patton** : [Stop! "Hammer time!"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U_Can%27t_Touch_This) _[off Roman and Virgil's looks]_ 'Cause she was killed with a hammer! Come on, guys, I've been waiting _years_ to do that one.

_[Virgil has given Roman a pendant made from the bullet he shot into his leg_ ("Manly Whatnots") _.]_

 **Virgil** : Well, I thought since I'd never likely penetrate you, I'd commemorate the one time you penetrated me. _[shares a laugh with Roman]_ So, Happy Birthday, Detective.


	3. Source: 3rd Rock from the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very minor character death. Like, he has one line, and then someone gives him a eulogy

**Body & Soul & Patton**

**Roman** : (holding the remote) This is the second most exciting thing I have ever held in my hand.

* * *

**Virgil** : How would you like your eyes in the bottom of a martini glass, 'cause I can do it?

 **Janus** : _[sounding delighted]_ Oh, the Amazon is going to manhandle me!

 **Virgil** : You're not worth the broken nail.

* * *

**Roman** : Oh, Patton, we've got cable! Seventy-two channels! And unlike primitive free television this one you get to pay for.

* * *

**Patton** : How can we honor the memory of a man like Janus Ceit? Well... he was governed by the laws of physics as are all living things. it is a scientific fact that hearts and clocks slow down as they approach the speed of light, the point at which matter is converted into energy. Janus's heart approached that speed on Friday evening at 7:57 according to the coroner, converting his matter into energy, into pure white light. Though he is no longer with us, he is all around us.

 **Logan** : That was absolutely beautiful.

 **Thomas** : _Converting matter to energy?_

 **Virgil** : Could you have been more trite?

 **Roman** : Why didn't you just phone it in?

**Ab-Patton-ted**

**Virgil** : I'll give you your promotion if you don't say the word "really" in the next sixty seconds.

 **Roman** : Really?

 **Virgil** You lose!

* * *

**Patton** : So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family?

 **Logan** : Yeah.

 **Patton:** Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill?

 **Logan** : Yeah... even then.

 **Patton** : That is so beautiful!

**The Pattons They Are A-Changin'**

**Logan** : They opened a Hard Rock Café in Vietnam. The world's changed, huh?

 **Patton** : It certainly has. Did you know it used to be entirely covered with ice?

* * *

_[Reminiscing about the 60's]_

**Logan** : Did you ever drop acid?

 **Patton** : [misunderstanding] Oh, constantly.

 **Logan** : You did a lot of tripping?

 **Patton** : That's how I dropped the acid.

**I Enjoy Being A Patton**

**Thomas** : Virgil, I got a question for you. We've been on the planet a while now and I've just been wondering if we were to tell someone we cared about where we were actually from, do you think it'd be _so_ dangerous?

 **Virgil** : No, not at all, Thomas. In fact, I've already told Remy and the mailman, uh, and a nice guy down at the mini mall, BECAUSE I WANT US ALL TO DIE LIKE LAB RATS AT THE HANDS OF PRIMITIVE SCIENTISTS!!!

* * *

**Roman** : I want to make the world a better place. I want to give mankind the gift... of electricity.

 **Thomas** : They have electricity.

 **Roman** : Ah, then my work is done!

**Hotel Patton**

_[Patton wants to tell Logan that he's an alien, but the others forbid it]_

**Virgil:** Well fine, but let it be on your own head!

 **Thomas:** Which will probably be sitting next to our heads on a tray somewhere in New Mexico!

* * *

**Roman:** _[to people who haven't yet seen a movie]_ Attention, ticket holders! At the end of the movie, when the President turns out to be an alien and he barbecues all the Congressmen, don't believe it because aliens hate barbecue!

* * *

**Roman:** I say we hold an alien pride parade!

* * *

**Thomas:** You're gonna be like some sort of alien Martin Luther King?

 **Roman:** Exactly. Because I, too, have a dream. And in that dream, I'm naked on a ferris wheel.

**Big Angry Virgin From Outer Space**

**Virgil:** The worst part is I'm still a virgin!

 **Logan:** Oh my God, you're a virgin?

 **Virgil:** Yes, it's horrible!

 **Logan:** No, it's perfectly all right for you to save yourself for the right man.

 **Virgil:** Like you did for Patton?

 **Logan:** _[a shocked look on his face, after a long pause]_ Yes.

* * *

**Thomas:** People change for their lovers all the time. For example, I stopped wearing [Old Spice](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old_Spice) and Jon stopped telling me to stop wearing Old Spice.

* * *

_[Logan consoling Virgil after his breakup]_

**Logan:** . . . I like you Virgil.

 **Virgil:** I didn't know you liked me

 **Logan:** Well I do, you're a strong, opinionated, intelligent young man, unpredictable at time, a little scary, but hell that's you.

 **Virgil:** That is me. I like me too, but why didn't Remy?

 **Logan:** Well he's just not the right guy for you, but you'll find someone, I mean just look at you: those legs, that hair...

 **Virgil:** Please I've been dragged through the muck enough today!

 **Logan:** Just chalk this up to experience.

 **Virgil:** Thanks Dr. Sharp, you're so nice. I always thought you were such a bitch.

 **Logan:** Oh I am. But hell, that's me.

**Guilty as Patton**

**Logan:** Have a little compassion, Virgil. We're healthy; we have to help him.

 **Virgil:** I say he's lame. Shoot him.

* * *

_[Thomas is selling chocolate door-to-door and he encounters a priest at one door]_

**Thomas:** Hi, Father, I'm selling chocolate so the high-school band can go to Washington... and learn about Christianity...so they can become priests.

_[The priest closes the door in Thomas's face]_

**Thomas:** Fine then; they'll stay here in Gainesville and worship Satan!

**Patton Behaving Badly**

**Roman:** _[while playing[Monopoly](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monopoly_\(game\))]_ Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and do not, I repeat do not drop the soap.

* * *

**Patton:** I'm tired of feeling like a Catholic schoolboy always getting his knuckles rapped by the nun he's dating.

**Will Work For Patton**

**Patton:** You'll only have to perform the most basic of tasks. You've sent out mail before.

 **Roman:** Nope.

 **Patton:** Well, you've stapled before...

 **Roman:** I have not.

 **Patton:** Surely you've used a paperclip.

 **Roman:** Oh! You mean those cotton things you put in your ears?

 **Patton:** Roman, how many fingers am I holding up?

 **Roman:** Two!

 **Patton:** You're hired.

* * *

**Patton:** Roman, did I get any phone calls?

 **Roman:** Oh, yes, it rang repeatedly.

 **Patton:** And... who called?

 **Roman:** Well, I don't know, Patton, I'm not clairvoyant.

* * *

**Logan:** Does this mean you've come to your senses and you're going to apologize to Talyn?

 **Patton:** No, I will never come to my senses!

**Talyn:** Where's Dr. Sharp?

 **Thomas:** Well, we're not sure, but we think he's having sex with Patton in an unknown location.

 **Talyn:** Oh my God, what is he thinking?

 **Thomas:** What's _Logan_ thinking? What is _Patton_ thinking?

 **Talyn:** Okay, can we just agree they're both freaks?

 **Thomas:** Yeah!

**Patton and the Other Guy**

**Logan:** This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!

 **Patton:** Once again I come in second.

* * *

**Patton:** Remus, I find you to be pompous, judgmental. and completely self-absorbed. Would you be my friend?

_[pause]_

**Remus:** We'll see.

* * *

**Remus:** [ _To Patton_ ] Your head is like a cookie. I just want to eat it.

**Roman** : I've never noticed it before, but you look capable of violence.

 **Patton** : _[picking up a chair]_ I'll show you who's capable of violence!

**Patton:** Oh, Logan! I've just had one of those horrible dreams!

 **Logan:** Well what happened?

 **Patton:** We were getting married!

 **Logan:** [sarcastically] Thank you...

 **Patton:** No, that was the good part. Then, my family showed up.

 **Logan:** Oh, don't tell me? They objected?

 **Patton:** Well...they had issues.

 **Logan:** It's alright. I prepared a short speech just in case they did. It's just basically two words... and one of them's "off."


	4. Source: Fantastic Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am spending a lot of time typing so I don't need to think about the world around me.

**Virgil** : Maybe you should have stayed back in the lab. Fieldwork never suited you.

 **Patton** : He does the talking; I do the walking. Got it?

 **Virgil** : So, take a walk, Patton...

****************************************************************************************

**Patton:** Can't do it. I cannot do it.

 **Roman** : External SRBs, orbital system engines. It's just like the shuttles you flew in -

 **Patton** : No. I cannot take orders from the underwear model. That wingnut washed out of NASA for sneaking two Victoria Secret wannabes into a flight simulator.

 **Roman** : Youthful high spirits.

 **Patton** : They crashed it into a wall. A flight _simulator_.

 **Roman** : When have I asked you to do something you absolutely said you couldn't –

 **Patton** : Five times.

 **Roman** : ...I had it at four.

 **Patton** : Well this makes five!

****************************************************************************************

**Patton** : What's wrong with me?

 **Logan** : I swear they've done everything humanly possible. The best plastic surgeons in the world, Pat. You had the best -

 **Patton** : _(_ **getting frantic)** Give me a mirror...

 **Logan** : They said that's not such a good idea, the shock alone could –

 **Patton** : I said give me the goddamn mirror!

**(Patton finally sees his face; it looks completely normal)**

**Logan** : **(beginning to laugh)** Unfortunately, the doctors just couldn't do anything to fix your face.

****************************************************************************************

**Logan** : ( **to Patton)** Look at me.

 **(looking up and seeing, or not seeing that Logan has turned invisible)**

**Patton** : I can't.

 **Logan** : What do you mean you can't?! Look at me!

 **Patton** : Logan, look at your hands!

****************************************************************************************

**Roman** : **(with his shirt off, being given a physical by Patton and Logan)** I think we have a serious problem.

****************************************************************************************

**(Logan turns invisible and starts to undress, then turns visible again)**

**Patton** : Wow. You've been working out.

 **Logan** : Shut up!

****************************************************************************************

**Roman** : Wait. You mean we won't be able to turn on and off? That would save time.

 **Logan** : You don't want to walk around on fire for the rest of your life, do you?

 **Roman** : Is that a trick question?

 **Logan** : Grow up.

 **Roman** : Come on! Am I the only guy who thinks this is cool?

****************************************************************************************

**Logan** : Roman, say you're sorry.

**(Roman throws a fireball at Virgil)**

**Virgil** : Did you just--

**(Roman throws another fireball at Virgil)**

**Virgil** : That's it, Tinker Bell! _You wanna fly_?!

 **Patton** : No, Virgil.

 **Virgil** : _Then fly_!!!

**(Virgil punches through Patton's body to launch Roman into the Burger King sign)**

**Logan** : Wait a minute, guys. Virgil, don't do this.

**(Virgil growls at Roman)**

**Roman** : Let's see if we can get blood from a stone.

 **Logan** : Roman?

 **Virgil** : Let's see. Bring it, Burnout.

****************************************************************************************

**Reporter** : So, what can you tell us about the outfit?

 **Roman** : **(on tv)** Not too much, but I will say that it's all weather and no leather. Kind of Armani meets Astronaut.

**(Virgil, Logan, and Patton stare at the wall-sized TV, mouths agape.)**

**Logan** : He didn't.

 **Virgil** : Oh, yes, he did. Flame-boy never listens.

 **Logan** : What did he do to his uniform?

**(Patton looks down at his own uniform, to Roman's uniform on the TV, which has the same insignia, and surreptitiously tries to cover his insignia with his jacket)**

**Reporter** : So, what are your superhero names?

 **Roman** : They call me the Princely Torch. Gentlemen call me Torch.

 **Reporter** : What about the rest of the team?

 **Roman** : **[points to a visual]** That's the Invisible Boy.

 **Logan** : 'Boy'…?

 **Reporter** : That's easy to remember. And Patton Hart? I heard they call him Mr. Fantastic. And can he really stretch any part of his anatomy?

**(Cheers from the female members of the public behind them)**

**Roman** : Well, I've always found him to be a little limp.

**(Another cheer from the people behind them)**

**Patton** : Could be worse.

 **Reporter** : What is that? What is that thing?

 **Roman** : That's it. The Thing. If you think that's bad, you should have seen him before.

 **Virgil** : Okay – now I'm gonna go kill him.


	5. Source: Bob's Burgers season 05

**Work Hard or Die Trying, Girl [5.01]**

_[About Lilly's_ [Working Girl](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Working_Girl) _musical.]_

**Remus** : So, it's just a coincidence that you took a beloved '80s movie - some say the sassy sister film to _Die Hard_ \- and set it to music and lyrics?

**Roman and the Real Ghost [5.02]**

**Janus** : Where's Roman? At home, crying into his butt?

 **Roman** : No. My butt is dry. And strong.

**Friends with Burger-fits [5.03]**

_(Patton awakes from a nightmare.)_

**Patton** : I'm sorry, Thomas!

 **Logan** : What - what happened - what happened?

 **Patton** : I'm killing Thomas.

 **Logan** : (sleepily) What, you're going to kill Thomas? Alright. Car's gassed up. That's good. Guess I could home school the kids-

 **Patton** : No, Lo, the burgers are killing him.

 **Logan** : (shocked) What?

 **Patton** : The ones I give him every day.

 **Thomas** : Oh. Gotcha.

 **Patton** : Good God, Logan, you had all that ready?

 **Logan** : What? I'm just being supportive. Good night.

**Patton** : Here's the deal, Thomas: I can make you soup or salad, but I don't think I can serve you my burgers anymore.

 **Thomas** : You cutting me off, Pat?

 **Patton** : I guess I... am.

 **Thomas** : You're cutting _me_ off!? Is this some kind of sick joke?

 **Jon** : I think it's for your own good.

 **Thomas** : You stay the hell out of this, Jon! _[to Patton]_ Patton, if you take your burgers from me, I will murder you _and_ your mouthy husband!

**Patton** : Thomas's not my best friend. He's my best _customer._ There's a big difference, and I really value that thirty inches of formica that's between us.

 **Remus** : Are you talking about your ding-dong, Daddy? Brag!

_(Valerie eliminates Roman in the Freezer Dome)_

**Valerie:** I did it! I pushed a girl! And not because I like her and don't know how to show it!

**Thomas:** Why would you lie to me like that? Who says they're somebody's best friend when they're not!?

 **Patton:** Look, Thomas, I'm sorry I lied because I care about you...

 **Thomas:** Pull over here. Stop the car, Patton!

_(Patton pulls over at Dusty's Feed Bag. Thomas gets out.)_

**Thomas:** You're not the only man that sells burgers, you know. I'm going to be a regular at Dusty's Feed Bag now! Friend

 **Patton:** Come on Thomas, get back in the car.

 **Thomas:** Oh, and one more thing, Patton three years ago, you forgot a tomato on my burger, and I said nothing. _Nothing!_

 **Patton:** Thomas please don't go in there _._

 **Thomas:** You don't tell me what to do _._

**Dawn of the Peck [5.04]**

**Patton** : Oh, right! Because that's what Thanksgiving is all about—running around with a bunch of stupid birds and going on rides. Fine, go. But you know what? I am _not_ making dinner!

 **Virgil** : He's handling this pretty well.

 **Patton** : No, _you're_ crying!

**Best Burger [5.05]**

**Patton** : I can't believe we're competing against Emile Picani. He has a book out. I read it! I mean, I mostly read it. I looked at all the pictures.

**Virgil** : Your name is a verb in this family. We call it "Remusing out."

 **Remus** : I thought that meant taking off your pants after a good meal.

 **Janus** : I was "Remusing out" at work the other day.

 **Remy** : _[swerving the pedi-cab back and forth]_ I'm "Remusing out" right now!

 **Remus** : Oh my God. I'm a verb. I'm a bad verb!

 **Roman** : You're a "berb."

 **Remus** : I'm a "berb!"

**Father of the Patton [5.06]**

**Remus** : One man's trash is another man's Christmas gift for Dad!

**Roman Tailor Soldier Spy [5.07]**

**Logan** : Aw, I can't believe you quit the Thunderboys. Are they going to make you turn in your Thunderwear?

**Midday Run [5.08]**

**Patton** : What am I supposed to draw first?

 **Remy** : First the gesture then the essence, and then the breasts!

 **Emile:** Get your charcoal Charlie. Lady's a-waitin'!

 **Remy:** Emile, be my eyes. How's he doing?

 **Emile:** Bad.

 **Patton:** Sorry, I can't concentrate!

 **Remy:** What's the matter? Don't like what you see?

 **Patton:** No! It's just, I wasn't expecting all the hair...

 **Remy:** Well, get used to it! It's the human form. It's the most beautiful thing you're ever gonna see in your life!

 **Emile:** It's super-yummy!

**Valerie:** Why do you wanna be a hall monitor so bad anyway? It's just tellin' on kids!

 **Roman:** No! It's..."helping" on kids.

_After Roman helps Valerie get the Whaler's costume..._

**Valerie:** Now I'm gonna have a story to tell on our wedding day! You think it ain't gonna happen, but I'm gonna getcha, girl! _I'm gonna getcha!_

**Speakeasy Rider [5.09]**

**Roman:** Papa and Dad might not recognize us when we get back from go-karting. _(pulling his hair back)_ 'Cause our hair will be like this!

 **Virgil:** _(pulling on his face)_ And our faces will be like this!

 **Remus:** And our penises will be like this! _(pause)_ You can't see what I'm doing, but it's pretty great!

**Virgil:** I'm coming for you, T. If I finish the season in first place in B-League, I get a spot in the Kingshead Island Grand Prix!

 **Roman:** But you actually have to win races to finish in first place. Maybe you didn't fully understand that?

 **Virgil:** Oh, ho-ho-ho, keep it up, Roman!

 **Roman:** Way ahead of you. Literally.

**Late Afternoon in the Garden of Patton and Virgil [5.10]**

**Logan:** You know, do what you got to do, Pat. If you have to sleep with her to get in, it's okay. I don't like her, but whatever it takes.

 **Patton:** Way ahead of you, Lo.

_[Song: "Crappy Place/Happy Place"]_

**Patton:** Tomatoes and green beans and sweet peas

It's a dream come true!

 **Logan:** _(glowering at Talyn)_ I wanna take her stupid neck and wring it!

 **Virgil:** That's what I wanna do, too. But with _him!_ _(pointing at Terrence)_

 **Patton:** The only thing greener than these plants is my thumb!

 **Logan & Virgil:** How did we ever get stuck with these bums?

The restaurant's now a crappy place!

 **Patton:** _(overlapping)_ I think I found my happy place!

I'm like a British lady in my garden

And my plants agree!

 **Plants:** Mmm-hmm!

 **Virgil:** _(about Terrence)_ He's the most annoying person who was ever born...

 **Logan:** _(about Talyn)_ Oh God, they brought their own tea!

 **Patton:** I'm the world's greatest farmer, things are growing so well!

 **Logan & Virgil:** We're living in our own personal hell,

The restaurant's now a crappy place!

 **Patton:** I think I found my happy place!

 **Logan & Virgil:** The restaurant's now a crappy, crappy, crappy, crappy

 **Patton:** _(simultaneous)_ I think I found my happy, happy, happy, happy

 **All:** Plaaaaace!

**The Millie-churian Candidate [5.12]**

_(Roman hangs Joan.'s Class President campaign poster. Virgil assists him.)_

**Virgil:** Lower. A little lower. Just a tiny bit lower...

_(Camera pulls out to reveal a trash can.)_

**Virgil:** ...Yeah, that's it. In the trash. Now stomp it down with your foot.

**L'il Hard Dad [5.14]**

**Patton** : We're not leaving Janus not until we get our money back for that detected helicopter so do the right thing and give us a refund.

 **Remus** : Well put.

 **Patton** : Yup.

 **Janus** : You don't get it do you Patton? Janus doesn't give refunds to heliflopter's who crash on their first flight.

 **Patton** : Stop calling me a heliflopter.

 **Remus** : We don't care how fun it is to say.

 **Janus** : You see I not only sell these novelty toys to make ends meet, but my real passion is customizing the serious RC choppers.

 **Remus** : Fish in the sky! This was in [Revelations](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Revelations)! [Kirk Cameron](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Kirk_Cameron&action=edit&redlink=1) was right!

 **Janus:** Are you done hiding, Patton?

 **Patton** : We're not hiding, Janus. We were regrouping. And we still want our refund!

 **Janus** : Uh-huh. Swim, my pets. Swim! (snickers)

 **Patton** : Your gently floating fish don't scare me, Janus. They're actually kinda pretty. It's a lot like snorkeling, which I've never done but I imagine I would love it! Ow. Ow.

 **Remus** : Dad!

 **Patton** : You're shooting [BB's](https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=BB%27s&action=edit&redlink=1) at me. Ow, that one hit me in the nipple.

 **Remus** : That's his _good_ nipple!

 **Patton** : My good nipple is _bleeding_!!

 **Janus** : Are we _done_ here, Patton? You lose, I win. Also, I have a couple of frozen pizzas in the oven, so I'm far ready to wrap this up.

 **Patton** : No, we're not _done_!!

**Hawk & Chick [5.20] **

**Roman:** We gotta make this samaright.

 **Logan:** It was a time in Japan when the evil monsters would attack the nice little villages for no good reason. And the only force in all of Japan who could stop them are... Hawk & Chick!


End file.
